Conflicts of Heart

Dear Group,

I have a question. I tried posting this somewhere else on the site earlier, but I don't know where it went. I'm new at this. So if you see my other message, forgive me. I wanted to ask this question.

I disassociated myself in May 2007 as most of you know. Well since then my parents, my dad is an elder, have been very torn at heart. They talked to me for the longest time after I disassociated myself, and then in Sept. my dad wrote me a letter saying he couldn't talk with me anymore or have much to do with me. And he didn't talk to me for awhile. I tried explaining to him that I wasn't coming back to the KH, and I explained the truths I had found out about the organization. Of course that gigantic wall of denial and fear goes up. But they quit communicating with me, which wasn't surprizing. Well then back in December he starts writing me, and calling me all the time. And it was wonderful, I thought maybe he was finally starting to come around and see things for what they were. Well now he writes me saying his conscience is bothering him and he can't talk to me. Then he calls me again yesterday. I wrote him a letter this week, telling them how hard they are making it on themselves and me by being so wishy washy all the time. What do I do, any suggestions? Anyone else been through something similiar?

Crystal, I'm so glad you wrote this to the group to try and get help. I have never been through this myself, but I've worked with enough people who have, so here's what I've seen. Your dad obviously loves you a lot and has already shown that he's somewhat willing to disobey the WT's policy on shunning, so that is a good sign that he is starting to recognize that something is wrong there. What kind of a "Christian" group tells a father to have nothing at all to do with his daughter? (nothing that the Jesus of the Bible established, only rules taught by men) Anyway, Even though though his being wishy-washy is making you go back and forth emotionally, I've seen great results from ex-JWs who take any oppportunity their loved one will give them to demonstrate that you have not left them or given up on them. Being there and showing unconditional love whenever given the opportunity I think would be the way to go. Emphasize to him EVERY time that you understand his struggle because he thinks he is doing the right thing by shunning you, but that you will never shun him becasue you love him too much to do that. I really think that continuing to be there anytime he reaches out to you is the way to go. I've heard a lot of witnesses talk about how when they recognized that there was really no love in the organization, that began opening their mind to doubting whether or not it was "the truth." Then they find out that the Bible never attributes that title "the truth" to an organization, but only to the person of Jesus Christ. (John 14:6) I'll commit to praying for your dad to soften and that he will continue to communicate with you.

Hi Crystal - I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I do agree with Becky, the fact that he is willing to compromise Watchtower "doctrine" and speak to you is a good sign - that deep down he is very conflicted with this rule and that means he's not blindly following but contemplating.

My own parents (stepfather and mother) have shunned me without ceasing for 14 yrs now. For a long time, I was essentially shunning them back. They made no effort to contact me for any reason (nieces born, deaths in family, etc.) so I didn't make any effort to contact them either for anything - wedding, nope, birth of my children, double no, just because, never. About 2 or 3 years ago, I ran into my mother at McDonald's. Since then, things have been a little different - I send them a card or call for their anniversary and acknowledge when I know things that have happened in their life (from my non-Witness grandmother). I think Becky made a good point - in short, this is not our rule. We are not required to shun them, that's their rule. It would be best to find a place in our heart that allows us to reach out to them or to meet them on their terms (be available to them when they reach out), knowing that their rejection (because it will surely come) is a product of their environment and belief system. It is NOT about us.

All that said, I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. I have been praying for the last year that something or someone would reach my mother, that would soften her heart. (She quit initiating contact of any sort when she realized I am Christian and active at our church, CBC). One thing standing in the way is my stepfather who monitors her emails and is a very stubborn and self-righteous elder. Recently, he had an infection of the lining of his heart . . . his mother (non-Witness) was shocked, she said she didn't know he had a heart (ha, ha). We shall see what happens, just very interesting - he's never had cardiac issues of any kind. Perhaps his heart is literally being softened. Or maybe wishful thinking. Either way, it is an opportunity to reach out with "thinking of you, I hope you get well soon" so I'll take it.

Hi Crystal,

I really identify with your struggle. My parents shunned me and my wife and children, never even wanting to meet their own grandchildren. I was stuck in my anger for a long time. God released me from that in due time.

It seems that I was released about the same time that I was obedient to the command to "pray for my enemies". I always knew I was supposed to, but I didn't want to fake it. Deep down I knew that I was unable to sincerely pray for them. I was still the victum.

I was curious and attracted to Christianity for several years, but it wasn't until I gave up and gave my life to Christ that I began to get the victory. God does it all for his children in the end, but somehow we are also the participants is all this as well. We are spectacles. This is a war that must ultimately be won in heaven. It cannot be fought here, in the flesh. To do so is a waste of time if you really want victory.

It was serious life threatening incidents following intense prayer on my part that broke the ice with both my father and mother. During a private and calm biblical discussion with my father recently, he matter of factly told me that I was simply born into the wrong family. Instead of acting out like I would have before, now I'm equipped with the Holy Spirit. It didn't even faze me.

A few weeks later my father and mother and my whole family spent an enjoyable afternoon at the park.

Your parents are not your real enemy. My advice is to take your battle to Heaven and wage war on the enemy there. God will equip you. He did me.

My wife and I will pray for you and your Dad.

I have gone through this with my own family members who are JWs. I think you nailed it with the right word, Crystal. It is a conflict. Another word would be cognitive dissonance. Your father is torn between two things pulling him opposite directions: his natural love of you that is driving him to reconnect with you and his belief in a religion that tells him to cut you off as evil or an apostate.

Suggestions? I think it depends on you. I went through 10 years of shunning with one family member and they finally quit. I kept the door open and was warm and friendly. It was hard only being contacted once a year or twice a year but eventually it paid off. A friend of mine who is an ex JW refused to tolerate such treatment from her family and cut them off for shunning her. When they appeared, say about once a year, she would ask them why they were contacting her since they had shunned her for so long. When told they were just saying hi, or wanted to find out how she was, she told them that she considered them too unhealthy to allow them to be in her life or around her family and would get off the phone.

Make the decision that brings you peace. For myself, I kept the door open a little just in case. But it was easier for me than some. I love my friends and family still in the JWs. Best wishes to you.

A.T.