Need help leaving - All advice deeply appreciated

Hi,

I'm "Paulie'sGirl", I've been trying to leave for the last 2 and a half years. But I lived at home and wasn't really in a position (I didn't feel).

Anyway, I've been fading without realising it was an accepted technique (I seem to work away a very great deal) for the last 18 months, and most particularly the last 8 months since I moved out of my family home.

My brother spectacularly disassociated himself earlier in the year, which has increased the pressure on me to the point where I'm utterly fed up.

My mum recently went through my handbag and found a copy of a book by Dawkins which a colleague had loaned me, and I rather think my cover has been blown.

I plan to face my father on Sunday and explain the situation, I feel I owe him this much. I would really like to minimise the hurt this will cause, and eventually perhaps even re-establish contact.

Any help in what to say or ways to say "I don't believe this anymore", or any advice whatsoever, would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone come out to their family in this way? What was it like? How did you feel? How did you get over it? Were you scared witless (like I am presently LOL)

Thank you in advance for your kind help, and sorry for the long whingey post!

PGxx

Hi PG welcome: I have to first ask, what was your mum doing going through your things? That must have really made you angry. And I wouldent say "I don`t believe anymore." Instead I would say I have some questions about the 'truth." and put whatever doubts you have in the form of a question. And if your told you can`t do that or shouldent question the org. The response should be........dosent the Bible say to make sure of all things? If your mum is going through your things looking for evidence she or they already know something is up with you. But letting them down easy is the way I would handle it. I am sure you will be hearing from others who have been in the same boat as you are right now. You will get some great advise here. Just hang in there. Rose

Thanks Rose :) You guys seem really supportive from the other threads I've been working through.

I was incredibly "ticked off" when I found she'd been in my handbag, but since the attack was on why I was reading the philosophy of an atheist, I judged it best to let it slide, else they think I was just changing the subject.

I'll try writing down as you suggest. My mind goes blank in situations like this, I'm planning to almost script some responses. I really want them to take my views seriously.

Thanks again!

PGxx

I walked away from the cult, I wrote a letter that I no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and that I got saved by our Lord, and Savor and was baptized in a church. I didn't talk to my family for awhile until reciently. My mom is trying to have me come back to the Kingdom Hall, and I told her no I'm not. What is really fun is being able to go to church, and no one their will judge you, of who you are, or what religion you did came from since they do understand. Please if you need someone to talk to I am here for you as well. And by the way do not, I repeat do not let the Elders have the pleasuer of talking to you, if you do then they will mark you as an Apostate. I have heard stories from my sister that she had heard from other people that they were wanting to met with this one lady at a hotel room, and did bad things with her. If you do find yourself a good church home, please stay away from the

7th day advantis, catholic,mormons,messianic,mennonite,latter day saints,quaker,salvation army,

What good churches that is out thier is the pental costal church,baptise, non denominational,luthern,assembly of god,

My sister helped me, since she, and her husband got away from the J.W's as well she did a lot of research on the J.W's and all the different churches that is out their as well. Give yourself time it will take time, and oh yes the elders will be pressuring you, and so will be your family as well. Have as much support as you can, and that is why you will be needing to find a good church to help you out to talk to a Pastor. What I did for starting out I went to a Non Denominational church , and they have a lot of people from different religion backgrounds, but they will help you out as much as you can. Believe me I know I was their.

Emma

Hey PG, Welcome!

I know how difficult it is to face those you care about and tell them how you feel and where you stand,specially when they put so much pressure on you...and then to tell them to back off that you need space to feel your own way through it.
It does take some thought,but in the end you should be true to yourself,and follow your heart,and your common sense...what else have you got? When the witnesses give you that line that the heart is treacherous...that could not be further from the truth...how did any of them find their way then?? Staying in touch with ourselves and being in tune with how we feel is the best way to judge if we are on our right path in life...No one can choose our path for us,it is not their right.
No religion or way of thinking has the monopoly on morals,values and ethics...and don't let anyone tell you different.

When I left it I really went through some different emotions,it took me a while to figure out that I did not need to be involved with a religion and that did not mean I was not spiritual,oh contrair mofrair,it meant I found my spirituality in different things, places and people...and myself. It is important that you take time out to see how you feel after being told how to think, feel, and speak for so long in the org. we forget that we have the ability to do so and can take hold of it any time we like,and no one will judge us unless we let them..

Remember it is OK to change your mind,everyone does it...including your parents...if something is not working for you change it. If you keep doing what you are doing you will keep getting what you've got. Only you can be the winds of change in your life.

What ever you decide to do we support you here..keep us posted.

Lisa

Hi to all! I'll share my story about how I "got out."

My parents knew I hadn't been active for awhile, but even though I was 45 years old, and my children are grown (and both atheists thanks to their JW upbringing!, they still took the news very hard. I made an appointment - and kept it short. I told them that taught me that one of the worst things you can be is a hypocrite and I said if I were to stay, that's what I would be. I also said that they always said your relationship with god was the most important thing in your life. I said it was impossible for me to have a relationship with god in that religion. I said I wanted to be free to ask questions and look for answers without looking over my shoulder. Of course, I also had to tell them that I had made the courtesy call to my ex-husband to tell him he was scripturally free and there was likely to be the predictable gossip and fallout afterwards and I wanted them to hear what really happened directly from me. My mother cried and both my parents were deeply disappointed in me and the shame I had brought on the family name. I felt 12 years old for about a minute, but explained I had never been happy - and they knew it . I had nothing to lose by trying something different. It just never worked for me - as it obviously has for my parents.

It was six months later before the cong. took action. I heard from my mother of my disassociation. I was furious they did not inform me ahead of time, but I didn't care that I was officially out. So suddenly (I hadn't changed, but some men had been talked into publically vindicating my elder ex-husband) my parents and other family stopped speaking to me - except when they needed something.

I gave my parents an ultimatum to choose to keep me as their daughter, speak to me and expect my help and support or cut all ties and never speak again. Either way, I would respect their wishes, but they couldn't have it both ways. I gave them 24 hours to decide and was prepared either way. Surprisingly enough, they agreed to treat me like a daughter. They have retired to Florida and I call them once a week for about 5 minutes, just to check on them. They know I love them and care about them and I respect their right to worship as they've chosen and try hard not to say things that I know will upset them. Other than that, we have little to do with each other and they won't stay with me when they visit Atlanta. I know they have suffered because of me and I'm sorry for that. I also have to say we probably have a better relationship now (at least from my side) than ever, because we are not allowed to discuss religion!

I believe in empathetic honesty - and for sticking up for yourself in a way we were never allowed to do before. If you don't respect yourself - no one else will either. If you are upset when you have this conversation, people will think you are just confused, unsure or otherwise able to have your mind changed for you, so you have to know exactly what you want ahead of time - and stick with that no matter what. The best reward ever is to see the look on their faces when they can hardly believe you are still alive, happy and not morally bankrupt a few months or years later.

That which does not kill you really does make you stronger!!

Kate

I plan to face my father on Sunday and explain the situation, I feel I owe him this much. I would really like to minimise the hurt this will cause, and eventually perhaps even re-establish contact. Paulie'sGirl

And by the way do not, I repeat do not let the Elders have the pleasure of talking to you. If you do, then they will mark you as an Apostate. Emma

Welcome, PG!

In my case, it took me five or six years of deep thinking before I finally had the guts to face my father and the elders. I told my father, "If it is true that Jehovah will really annihilate the vast majority of people except the JWs, then I don't want to serve a cruel god," thumping the table with my right-hand index finger. I added further, "Assuming, dad, now is Armageddon or Armageddon comes today... tomorrow Jehovah?" (Or only JWs will survive?) "That won't happen, dad!" I just don't know if you can do that, PG. Well, it's up to you. You have to consider your father's situation. Does he have heart problems? If none, well, you can probably tell your dad what I said to my father as an eye-opener. "It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks." Sometimes, old people need a jolt to wake them up from long-held fallacious beliefs.

But Emma is right. You can talk to your father out of respect for him and explain your side. You may or may not meet with the elders.


Welcome!

How are the parents treating your brother?

Hey all,

Thanks to everyone who replied.

My brother still lives at home. My mum doesn't really talk to him much, treats him like something she trod in. My dad less so, despite being taken off as an elder over it)

My dad doesn't presently suffer from a heart condition. Whether he does once I'm finished remains to be seen LOL. I've scripted what I want to say. I'm of a nervous disposition anyway, and know I'll get stuck (and likely break down)

I like your idea of making them choose rather than making me live in limbo wondering if they'll ever come around, Kate. I may employ this!!

I'll let you know how it goes. I gather most of the posters here are in the US? I should be finished telling him around 3 pm BST... So I'll drop by and share LOL

I think the worst bit will come afterwards when elders and whatnot try to "reason with" me? I think I'll try to avoid speaking to the elders, afterall, one doesn't have to open the door to them?

Night all, its late here!

PGxx

You do have say on that partwhere you said "I think the worst bit will come afterwards when elders and whatnot try to "reason with" me? I think I'll try to avoid speaking to the elders, afterall, one doesn't have to open the door to them?"

Their you go you are starting to have your freedom coming back to you. Oh tonight I was in a chat room, and their was this guy came up, and asked me about the J.W's, and he was telling me that I didn't have a choice of a matter of a say if I didn't like something that I couldn't test Jehovah. When I said that he told me I better go. Guess he was to chicken to Test their God Jehovah lol.

Emma